Monthly Archives: May 2014

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Calm yourself

Calm yourself/ breathe it in/ look around, it’s not a dream.
This is real/ it’s what you’ve done/ it’s the little voice you always ignored.
Pull back a little/ and do not leap/ into those other arms with different needs.
You need to calm yourself/ and stop those tears/ stop your shaking, speak real clear.
That heaviness inside you/ don’t drown with a pill/ feel the disappointment, because this life is real.
It’s too easy to swallow/ it’s too easy to hide/ it’s too easy to run away, or hurt, or die.
You need to calm yourself/ just give it space/ sit in some silence, patiently, and wait.
Those eyes you find comforting/ let them blink/ let them wander around and find what they need.
You take this time/ you do the same/ because your heart has deceived you but you are to blame.
Listen to all the words/ when they’re directed at your ears/ not just the ones you were hoping to hear.
Marinate in their meanings/ and why they were said/ file them neatly in those cabinets in your head.
You just need to calm yourself/ calm yourself down/ keep taking those deep breaths, you’re still on the ground.

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Mornings are the worst.
I wake up shaking and confused
And breathing is hard.

Where am I?
What did I do?
Where did all the air go?

When I’m around people I’m ok
For the most part,
But I wake up alone with memories
And my distractions are still hiding in their own beds
And I feel so overwhelmed
My vision blurs.

Mornings are the worst.
I’m too tired and weak to pretend.
I feel too weighed down to move.
I’m secretly hoping someone will walk in and save me
But no one would even know where to look.
I want to run away.
Leave a box with my hands and heart inside and tie up my memories with a bow
And disappear.
Someone else can take care of this mess
Because it’s morning
And I just woke up
And my heart is so heavy
And I can’t fucking breathe
And these feelings aren’t just for you…
They’re for her and for him and for them and mostly me…
And I’m not feeling strong enough
Or brave enough
to deal with this Heavy right now.

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Here we stand/ separate, together/ who would have thought it’d end up like this? we took a chance/ it was hot and bothered/ so many signals I know we missed. Now I look back/ and I know you’re doing the same/ I’m sorry it’s all fuzzy/ I know I’m to blame.

I tried.

Believe me or don’t/ I only have these words now/ I’m not hiding behind them/ I wouldn’t know how. When I talk, I stammer/ when I’m full of doubt, I pause/ when I’m dying, and crying, and sobbing, and raw…I shove it deep down and cement it in walls. If you look hard enough, really, really hard/ a familiar face can still be found/ but don’t stare too long/ she scares quite easily at any sudden movement, flicker, or sound.

There are too many words in the world/ and too many voices/ and while I have little confidence in my own/ my words are my choices. So if I stutter, or I stammer, or I stop mid-sentence and wait/ when I can’t look you in the eyes because I just need to hide/ these words are everything I needed to say.

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so here’s the truth…

I don’t know what the fuck’s in my head/ here’s my heart/ but I’m almost dead. I jumped ship because I needed to stray/ I drifted away/ and here I’ll stay. My eyes don’t blink/ because I want to see/ I want to live/ I want to breathe. My feet won’t stick/ they always move/ closer to them/ farther from you. My hands are curious/ touching it all/ molding new clay/ pushing through walls. I smile most days/ I laugh, I cry/ so here’s this new life/ and this one feels right.

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