I am a different version of myself than i was last year. Last year I was fearless. This year, well…
I am a different version of myself. I’m too tired to play games and my heart is too squishy to be worn on my sleeve.
I used to hide behind words. I said a lot of things I wanted to mean. I said a lot of things a lot of different people wanted to hear and that’s the sickest thing teeth can allow. Vibrations that travel up the throat and are pushed past the teeth into words that float into ears and into hearts and get trapped.
manipulate words. we all manipulate words.
I need a bit more silence in my life. but when I do speak i need a stronger voice. i need to gather up different pieces of myself to create an updated lourdi.
I’m not proud of myself at the moment.
There are things.
There are words that have been said that I wish had been drowned before exiting my mouth. There are thoughts that i wish never would have left my head and traveled down to my fingers for eyes to read.
for someone who isn’t afraid of silence…
i sure have been filling the universe with some fluff.
I think i was trying out a different ‘me’. One that sort of said what was on her mind…ish? It’s not what people expect from me. It’s not what people want and well, while a part of me is like ‘fuck you, bye felicia’ another part of me is like…’i don’t think i want this from me either’.
i’m very torn.
and I’m so tired.
words. and words. and words. and words. and breaths. and beats. and-
it’s going to be ok.
Take a deep breath.
Step away from the flames.
I don’t want to just fill the air with wasted words anymore,
I want to make the air worth breathing.