Category Archives: just writing

Changes in a year

Exactly one year ago today I wrote out my suicide note. Most of my belongings had assigned future homes and I was begging everyone not to hate me for doing it. 

Loneliness is a fucking bitch. Heartache is crippling. Mental health is a serious matter. 

It’s been a year. 

My life is wonderful. There are some setbacks, but we just go with the flow. I’m happy. I’m madly in love. I’m humbled. I’m alive. 

I’m very thankful. 

A lot has happened in a year. In this year. I’m happy I stuck around to see it through. 

Your friend, 

Lourdi. 

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Crack & Shatter

It’s funny how the heart can completely fall out of your chest and not break into a thousand tiny pieces but instead land in the palms of someone else’s hands.  Lucky you if they end up protecting it instead of punting it.

Lucky you if you’re holding theirs as well.

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Your friend

lourdi.

Ch-ch-ch-changes 

Once you’ve written your final goodbye…

Once your best friend tells you : ‘you go, I go’…

Once your bother won’t let go of you while your crying because he understands he’s the only thing keeping you grounded…

Once you realize it’ll never be the same…

Then what?

  
Your friend, lourdi. 

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Life is weird. 

I’ve been staying with my sister for two weeks after staying with my best friend and her family for almost three. Who cares why. Life is just weird like that. 

   
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
 

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i dream of a love…

  
The inside of my heart is see-through 

You can see right through it

if you look hard enough. 

There is one woman out there

who will see her reflection when she looks in and

she won’t be scared. 

And when I look inside her heart I’ll see myself 

and smile. 

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There’s no female Charlie or Holden…

I hope to change that. 

  
Your friend, 

Lourdi. 

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It’s been a tick of the clock

  
tick

tick

tick

tock

tock

tock

tick

tock

goes

the clock.

I am a different version of myself than i was last year. Last year I was fearless. This year, well…

I am a different version of myself. I’m too tired to play games and my heart is too squishy to be worn on my sleeve.

I used to hide behind words. I said a lot of things I wanted to mean. I said a lot of things a lot of different people wanted to hear and that’s the sickest thing teeth can allow. Vibrations that travel up the throat and are pushed past the teeth into words that float into ears and into hearts and get trapped.

fuck.

manipulate words. we all manipulate words.

I need a bit more silence in my life. but when I do speak i need a stronger voice. i need to gather up different pieces of myself to create an updated lourdi.

I’m not proud of myself at the moment.

There are things.

There are words that have been said that I wish had been drowned before exiting my mouth. There are thoughts that i wish never would have left my head and traveled down to my fingers for eyes to read.

for someone who isn’t afraid of silence…

i sure have been filling the universe with some fluff.

I think i was trying out a different ‘me’. One that sort of said what was on her mind…ish? It’s not what people expect from me. It’s not what people want and well, while a part of me is like ‘fuck you, bye felicia’ another part of me is like…’i don’t think i want this from me either’.

i’m very torn.

and I’m so tired.

words. and words. and words. and words. and breaths. and beats. and-

shhhhh…

it’s going to be ok.

Take a deep breath.

Step away from the flames.

I don’t want to just fill the air with wasted words anymore,

I want to make the air worth breathing.

your friend,

lourdi.

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So we are finally here…

today the kickstarter for the web series my friend created launched.  I’m so proud of her and so proud to be a part of it. 


That’s the site. 
Other than that things have been fine. Life is grand.  

         

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on nights like tonight

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I really hate myself.

Not sure how I fucked up so bad. Who am I? Thefuck happened to me? I’m not a kid anymore and I just feel like I’ve let so many people down. So many special people that gave me a chance and I’m just…shitting on them. I hate me so much right now. I’ve never been more ashamed. Never.

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How does it feel

Yesterday was my day of divorce. I didn’t sleep the night before because it’s a really humbling thought “this is the last time I’m going to bed as a married woman.” Bc it was. I don’t think I’ll ever get married again simply because I don’t think I’ll ever love someone as much as I love myself or my work. And by work I don’t mean my cafe and theater job, I mean my writing. I’ll never give it up again. It is who I am, it is what frees me and makes me different. I’m in love with my writing and I’m in love with being creative.

It’s funny, the start of my week was with my divorce, I will end my week celebrating the love of my friend Kristen and her fella Jesse at their wedding. I won’t ever give up on love, it inspires me, I just don’t think it’s in my deck of cards. Which is sad but I had a nice experience with it while it lasted.

So, it’s funny, the actual proceedings of the divorce itself was simple. I went to the court with my mom. Met my lawyer there. Listened to one woman’s case and then went before everyone, did the whole hand on bible swear to tell the truth the whole truth nothing but the truth thing and answered a bunch of questions that required a yes or no answer. The judge was very sweet because he could tell I was nervous but it took about ten minutes. My lawyer laughed when I told her my ex was in disney. She rolled her eyes and said it was disrespectful but I know the trip was planned before our court date was issued. So I explained that but she still just shook her head. I have to get used to not defending her anymore but I just never saw her as some other people did. I really believe she’s a good person who has been dealt some shit. I just wasn’t strong enough to deal with the shit anymore.

Anyway, this will probably be the last time I write about my ex and our divorce because that part of my life is over and I have so much going on now. Thursday Livv and I are going with my friends Amy and Susan to the Eastern State penitentiary in Philadelphia. We are going to spend the day doing random stuff and then go to the thing at night. It should be cool. I’m just now starting to go out and do things with my other friends, it’s taken me a while to trust that they’re not going to want to gossip about what happened to my relationship but I honestly do believe they just want to hang and catch up. So that should be fun. Then, like I said before, I have Kirsten’s wedding on Saturday and I begged my friend to join me so that should be fine.
I dunno. Life keeps moving along and I’m just trying to take it all in and enjoy the ride.
We’ll see 🙂
Your friend,
Lourdi.

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