You can see right through it
if you look hard enough.
There is one woman out there
who will see her reflection when she looks in and
she won’t be scared.
And when I look inside her heart I’ll see myself
I am a different version of myself than i was last year. Last year I was fearless. This year, well…
I am a different version of myself. I’m too tired to play games and my heart is too squishy to be worn on my sleeve.
I used to hide behind words. I said a lot of things I wanted to mean. I said a lot of things a lot of different people wanted to hear and that’s the sickest thing teeth can allow. Vibrations that travel up the throat and are pushed past the teeth into words that float into ears and into hearts and get trapped.
manipulate words. we all manipulate words.
I need a bit more silence in my life. but when I do speak i need a stronger voice. i need to gather up different pieces of myself to create an updated lourdi.
I’m not proud of myself at the moment.
There are things.
There are words that have been said that I wish had been drowned before exiting my mouth. There are thoughts that i wish never would have left my head and traveled down to my fingers for eyes to read.
for someone who isn’t afraid of silence…
i sure have been filling the universe with some fluff.
I think i was trying out a different ‘me’. One that sort of said what was on her mind…ish? It’s not what people expect from me. It’s not what people want and well, while a part of me is like ‘fuck you, bye felicia’ another part of me is like…’i don’t think i want this from me either’.
i’m very torn.
and I’m so tired.
words. and words. and words. and words. and breaths. and beats. and-
it’s going to be ok.
Take a deep breath.
Step away from the flames.
I don’t want to just fill the air with wasted words anymore,
I want to make the air worth breathing.
There is a future without you
One day there will be an ‘after you were here’
Until then I will enjoy our time
But it will not last
All we have
is just a moment
One moment of borrowed time
that we must give back at the end of our grand adventure
Don’t let me disappear even on those nights when your eyes have prettier things to focus on
Don’t let me talk my way out of promises I always knew I’d break
Don’t treat me like glass even though you know I will shatter
Everything hurts because everything is slicing me in half
All of those words
And even those disapproving glares
They are all leaving marks and causing me pain
And they want me to push through it
Bandage the cuts up
Ignore that they are there
But all I want to do is curl up and hide…
Please don’t let me disappear
I’m hoping there is somebody out there that would notice if I were gone
Somebody out there that wants to keep me around
For the past four months or so I’ve been working on a web series one of my best friends created. Because of it I’ve met so many incredibly talented artists, musicians, actors, and fellow writers. I’m so proud to be a part of it and if anyone out there is looking to join in the festivities here’s what we are looking for:
You are always so strong, so in charge of everything
I’m not used to seeing you like this
Shaking from the pain
You look so small
Still so radiant
You are the queen
The one we look up to
You look so small in that bed
And I’m just sitting here across from you
Listening to you breathe
I listen to everyone breathe
It’s the most beautiful sound
And the most comforting
The sweetest reminder that we are here
There is one world
And millions of lives
And our two paths intertwined
And here we are breathing
And I’m watching you
And loving you
And I’m just so happy to hear the inhale
And the exhale
And the inhale
And the exhale
Of this life we are living
Like a story
We are the paper
And we are the pens
And we are breathing…
But I am happy that I got the opportunity to open this new door
And jump right in
with both feet
And my arms wide open.
I want to grab each opportunity that comes my way
and shake it
make it my own.
I missed so much before
not because of you
but because I was this other person.
That life felt wrong.
I am not in love with another woman but I am in love with my life.
I don’t regret my time with you
I regret not being stronger, sooner.
I regret not being honest.
I regret so much and yet I regret nothing.
Don’t listen to them.
It’s not complicated.
I’m not evil; I never was.
We deserved better.
I will never regret what we had
But I will never regret choosing me.
I am in love.
I’m in love with the thought of jumping right in.
Keeping my eyes wide open
And taking it all in.
Calm yourself/ breathe it in/ look around, it’s not a dream.
This is real/ it’s what you’ve done/ it’s the little voice you always ignored.
Pull back a little/ and do not leap/ into those other arms with different needs.
You need to calm yourself/ and stop those tears/ stop your shaking, speak real clear.
That heaviness inside you/ don’t drown with a pill/ feel the disappointment, because this life is real.
It’s too easy to swallow/ it’s too easy to hide/ it’s too easy to run away, or hurt, or die.
You need to calm yourself/ just give it space/ sit in some silence, patiently, and wait.
Those eyes you find comforting/ let them blink/ let them wander around and find what they need.
You take this time/ you do the same/ because your heart has deceived you but you are to blame.
Listen to all the words/ when they’re directed at your ears/ not just the ones you were hoping to hear.
Marinate in their meanings/ and why they were said/ file them neatly in those cabinets in your head.
You just need to calm yourself/ calm yourself down/ keep taking those deep breaths, you’re still on the ground.
Mornings are the worst.
I wake up shaking and confused
And breathing is hard.
Where am I?
What did I do?
Where did all the air go?
When I’m around people I’m ok
For the most part,
But I wake up alone with memories
And my distractions are still hiding in their own beds
And I feel so overwhelmed
My vision blurs.
Mornings are the worst.
I’m too tired and weak to pretend.
I feel too weighed down to move.
I’m secretly hoping someone will walk in and save me
But no one would even know where to look.
I want to run away.
Leave a box with my hands and heart inside and tie up my memories with a bow
Someone else can take care of this mess
Because it’s morning
And I just woke up
And my heart is so heavy
And I can’t fucking breathe
And these feelings aren’t just for you…
They’re for her and for him and for them and mostly me…
And I’m not feeling strong enough
Or brave enough
to deal with this Heavy right now.