Category Archives: so called life

Changes in a year

Exactly one year ago today I wrote out my suicide note. Most of my belongings had assigned future homes and I was begging everyone not to hate me for doing it. 

Loneliness is a fucking bitch. Heartache is crippling. Mental health is a serious matter. 

It’s been a year. 

My life is wonderful. There are some setbacks, but we just go with the flow. I’m happy. I’m madly in love. I’m humbled. I’m alive. 

I’m very thankful. 

A lot has happened in a year. In this year. I’m happy I stuck around to see it through. 

Your friend, 

Lourdi. 

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This is 33. 


Not sure how I got so lucky. 

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You Are

My favorite adventure.

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Your friend,

lourdi.

 

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Crack & Shatter

It’s funny how the heart can completely fall out of your chest and not break into a thousand tiny pieces but instead land in the palms of someone else’s hands.  Lucky you if they end up protecting it instead of punting it.

Lucky you if you’re holding theirs as well.

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Your friend

lourdi.

Ch-ch-ch-changes 

Once you’ve written your final goodbye…

Once your best friend tells you : ‘you go, I go’…

Once your bother won’t let go of you while your crying because he understands he’s the only thing keeping you grounded…

Once you realize it’ll never be the same…

Then what?

  
Your friend, lourdi. 

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None Regrets 

 
  

   
  

Life is weird. 

I’ve been staying with my sister for two weeks after staying with my best friend and her family for almost three. Who cares why. Life is just weird like that. 

   
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
 

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i dream of a love…

  
The inside of my heart is see-through 

You can see right through it

if you look hard enough. 

There is one woman out there

who will see her reflection when she looks in and

she won’t be scared. 

And when I look inside her heart I’ll see myself 

and smile. 

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There’s no female Charlie or Holden…

I hope to change that. 

  
Your friend, 

Lourdi. 

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It’s been a tick of the clock

  
tick

tick

tick

tock

tock

tock

tick

tock

goes

the clock.

I am a different version of myself than i was last year. Last year I was fearless. This year, well…

I am a different version of myself. I’m too tired to play games and my heart is too squishy to be worn on my sleeve.

I used to hide behind words. I said a lot of things I wanted to mean. I said a lot of things a lot of different people wanted to hear and that’s the sickest thing teeth can allow. Vibrations that travel up the throat and are pushed past the teeth into words that float into ears and into hearts and get trapped.

fuck.

manipulate words. we all manipulate words.

I need a bit more silence in my life. but when I do speak i need a stronger voice. i need to gather up different pieces of myself to create an updated lourdi.

I’m not proud of myself at the moment.

There are things.

There are words that have been said that I wish had been drowned before exiting my mouth. There are thoughts that i wish never would have left my head and traveled down to my fingers for eyes to read.

for someone who isn’t afraid of silence…

i sure have been filling the universe with some fluff.

I think i was trying out a different ‘me’. One that sort of said what was on her mind…ish? It’s not what people expect from me. It’s not what people want and well, while a part of me is like ‘fuck you, bye felicia’ another part of me is like…’i don’t think i want this from me either’.

i’m very torn.

and I’m so tired.

words. and words. and words. and words. and breaths. and beats. and-

shhhhh…

it’s going to be ok.

Take a deep breath.

Step away from the flames.

I don’t want to just fill the air with wasted words anymore,

I want to make the air worth breathing.

your friend,

lourdi.

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