Category Archives: thinkin’

Changes in a year

Exactly one year ago today I wrote out my suicide note. Most of my belongings had assigned future homes and I was begging everyone not to hate me for doing it. 

Loneliness is a fucking bitch. Heartache is crippling. Mental health is a serious matter. 

It’s been a year. 

My life is wonderful. There are some setbacks, but we just go with the flow. I’m happy. I’m madly in love. I’m humbled. I’m alive. 

I’m very thankful. 

A lot has happened in a year. In this year. I’m happy I stuck around to see it through. 

Your friend, 

Lourdi. 

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Ch-ch-ch-changes 

Once you’ve written your final goodbye…

Once your best friend tells you : ‘you go, I go’…

Once your bother won’t let go of you while your crying because he understands he’s the only thing keeping you grounded…

Once you realize it’ll never be the same…

Then what?

  
Your friend, lourdi. 

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i dream of a love…

  
The inside of my heart is see-through 

You can see right through it

if you look hard enough. 

There is one woman out there

who will see her reflection when she looks in and

she won’t be scared. 

And when I look inside her heart I’ll see myself 

and smile. 

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There’s no female Charlie or Holden…

I hope to change that. 

  
Your friend, 

Lourdi. 

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It’s been a tick of the clock

  
tick

tick

tick

tock

tock

tock

tick

tock

goes

the clock.

I am a different version of myself than i was last year. Last year I was fearless. This year, well…

I am a different version of myself. I’m too tired to play games and my heart is too squishy to be worn on my sleeve.

I used to hide behind words. I said a lot of things I wanted to mean. I said a lot of things a lot of different people wanted to hear and that’s the sickest thing teeth can allow. Vibrations that travel up the throat and are pushed past the teeth into words that float into ears and into hearts and get trapped.

fuck.

manipulate words. we all manipulate words.

I need a bit more silence in my life. but when I do speak i need a stronger voice. i need to gather up different pieces of myself to create an updated lourdi.

I’m not proud of myself at the moment.

There are things.

There are words that have been said that I wish had been drowned before exiting my mouth. There are thoughts that i wish never would have left my head and traveled down to my fingers for eyes to read.

for someone who isn’t afraid of silence…

i sure have been filling the universe with some fluff.

I think i was trying out a different ‘me’. One that sort of said what was on her mind…ish? It’s not what people expect from me. It’s not what people want and well, while a part of me is like ‘fuck you, bye felicia’ another part of me is like…’i don’t think i want this from me either’.

i’m very torn.

and I’m so tired.

words. and words. and words. and words. and breaths. and beats. and-

shhhhh…

it’s going to be ok.

Take a deep breath.

Step away from the flames.

I don’t want to just fill the air with wasted words anymore,

I want to make the air worth breathing.

your friend,

lourdi.

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So we are finally here…

today the kickstarter for the web series my friend created launched.  I’m so proud of her and so proud to be a part of it. 


That’s the site. 
Other than that things have been fine. Life is grand.  

         

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on nights like tonight

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I really hate myself.

Not sure how I fucked up so bad. Who am I? Thefuck happened to me? I’m not a kid anymore and I just feel like I’ve let so many people down. So many special people that gave me a chance and I’m just…shitting on them. I hate me so much right now. I’ve never been more ashamed. Never.

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I will never call a small a tall ever again

I love my job.
Today a woman asked me if I liked working at this cafe and I told her I loved it. I told her that watching the sunrise over the ocean each morning was the greatest way to start ones day.
Because it is.

Later, another customer asked me to sit and talk with him while he drank his coffee and ate a muffin. So I sat with him and he told me that his bikes name is Murry to which I shared that my cars name is Sampson and he seemed to like that. There was no manager breathing down my neck, disappointed that I wasn’t wiping down the same counter for the hundredth time, but was instead having a civilized conversation with a man who promised to come back because he supports local businesses and was grateful that I sat with him and didn’t just take his money as those corporate bullshit companies always do.
I’m no longer a robot.
I won’t trick you into calling your small coffee a ‘tall’ or charge you 6 bucks to squeeze pasta out of a bag and then microwave it and serve it to you with a plastic fork. If you make me uncomfortable I’m allowed to deny you service until you learn a little respect. I’m allowed to be fucking human and treat you like a fucking human.
I work with lovely and sweet people who don’t gossip about my personal life. Who don’t give a shit about how much time I spend with my best friend and just expect me to do my job and to do it well. And because they are so fair and have created something so special, I want to give them 110%, always.
I’m so fucking grateful.

Other than my cafe job, I also work in an indie movie theater with my best friend. I appreciate what the place offers people. I appreciate the free popcorn and movies.
I love how both jobs leave me enough time to write and go out and live.

All I want is to be happy.
I want to be creative and share things with other curious people.
Waking up isn’t always easy, there’s a lot of shit going on, but on those most disappointing days when I am in fact bubbling with anxiety and sadness, I’m still happy to be breathing.

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Your friend,
Lourdi.

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Where we went

There is a future without you
One day there will be an ‘after you were here’
Until then I will enjoy our time
But it will not last
All we have
is just a moment
One moment of borrowed time
that we must give back at the end of our grand adventure

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If I die before I wake…

Don’t let me disappear even on those nights when your eyes have prettier things to focus on
Don’t let me talk my way out of promises I always knew I’d break
Don’t treat me like glass even though you know I will shatter

Everything hurts because everything is slicing me in half
All of those words
And even those disapproving glares
They are all leaving marks and causing me pain

And they want me to push through it
Bandage the cuts up
Ignore that they are there
But all I want to do is curl up and hide…
Please don’t let me disappear
I’m hoping there is somebody out there that would notice if I were gone
Somebody out there that wants to keep me around
Somebody
Somewhere

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